Horoscopes

Aries
You will take a piss on the floor in the shape of something that truly matters to you. Go on a trip to Israel to become worshipped as a prophet and explaining your social status, before you become so popular that the Roman Emperor Pontius Pilate crucifies you for just being too popular, only for you to become even more popular after this. Ascend to heaven to live out the rest of your life with God, the Virgin Mother Mary, and your celebrity crush.

Taurus
You will receive true happiness. Everything in life will start to go your way. Your love live will rise from the grave and come to fruition, your relationships with friends and family will be strengthened and prolonged. You will receive a big promotion at work, and learn a new language and another side of life to appreciate therein: everything will just start going your way, simply put. Haha, got you, can't believe I got you to believe that your life will actually get better! HAHAHAHAHA, everyone knows it's only downhill from here!

Gemini
You should spend more time outside so you can truly start to photosynthesize amongst the tomato trees. Swallow a live pufferfish whole and catch a monarch butterfly in a set of chopsticks, to receive eternal flatulence.

Cancer
Someone close to you will end his or her life, because of how lame your birthday party was over the weekend. I mean, I know money's tight with you being in that small rental apartment and everything, but COME ON! I'm not going to mince words: it absolutely sucked a** censoring this so the wiki doesn't get taken down. I even drove in all the way interstate to get there, go out of my way to attend and bring you a nice expensive gift, and it just sucks so much! The only entertainment you even had was your stepdad making animals, but not even balloon animals; just bending paperclips into the shape of small animals.

Leo
All Leos are very funny and witty people who see the You are a very smart and interesting person who is talented with problem-solving, so I reckon you have a 50/50 chance of escaping from your upcoming beheading, which The Queen has scheduled to punish you for your crimes against the State, which you have been wrongly imprisoned for. Hopefully you'll be able to get yourself out of this with your problem solving, or if all else fails, your dry wit as you stand tied up with your neck out under a slab suspended in mid air. If you manage to survive, remember to give a hickey to Camila Cabello and drink a gallon of varnish(they made me put this here: please do not drink any varnish, you complete ret*4-rd

Virgo
Pickles will be an immense source of joy for you this week. Your lucky numbers are 1, 7, 13, 42 and 94,512,739,321,342. Attach a rope to the back of a bus and hook up a jetski so you can ride behind it, with only a small chance that the friction will set the road on fire. Also, I double dare you to eat a Midwestern U.S. state, not because it will bring you good luck or anything, but I just wanna see if you have the balls to do it. (No balls, you're not gonna eat the state of Wisconsin!)

Libra
Order a pineapple pizza to your house and join a cult. Go out on a date with two Siamese twins, a transvestite, a loser Klansman and this gay Jewish black dude. Invest your life savings into fidget spinners and get a sex change. Trade house keys with an Alaskan midget. Your lucky vegetable is artificial lab-grown spring beans. You will mean to tape The Simpsons, but completely forget to and gain .lose 300 pounds...of cash